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“Art’s the way to know what you don’t.” - Azaroth, from Postsingular, by Rudy Rucker... Read More »

When I was a kid, I used to tell a lot of really fantastically untrue stories. I won’t go into them, but one of them involved my dad having fallen into a vat of peanut butter. What can I say, I was 8 when I was telling that story. The obvious reason I did this was because I was very insecure and desperately wanted people to like me, and figured they’d have more reasons to like me if I told crazy, funny stories. I also became quite good at deception, mostly as a survival tactic. I also became quite good at keeping my mouth shut when I saw Bad Things happening, especially when they happened to me. As a result, I spent the majority of the first twenty years being a deceptive, lying doormat. It was a pretty awful combination, all things said. You couldn’t trust me, although you could walk all over me if you wanted. Both perceptions were usually picked up on pretty quickly. Then, right around the time I turned 20, I had a life-changing event. The details of the life-changing event aren’t worth going into now, but when it happened, I decided I would always be as honest as I could possibly be, and I also decided that I would never be a doormat again. Again, after I made this decision, both of these character attributes were usually picked up on pretty quickly by friends, co-workers and acquaintances. It’s easy to see now how that reaction was essentially a self-defense mechanism. I had to do something to protect my fragile psyche, and to be honest, it worked really well for me for a number of years. However, as of late it has become quite apparent that this approach to things is no longer giving me the results I want. I was recently told that the reason people tend to stop wanting to be friends with me is because I have a big chip on my shoulder, and that at the smallest slight, I will fly off the handle and decide that whomever committed the slight is my enemy. While I don’t think I’ve ever declared someone my enemy, I can definitely see where this perception comes from. Once slighted, I will often declare, loudly and vociferously, to whomever will listen, everything I honestly dislike or find lacking about that person. From my vantage point, the only possible reason someone could have for slighting me would be because they want to hurt me, they want to run me down into the ground, and as I explained, since I turned 20 I’m nobody’s doormat. While I might not be “stupid”, if I’m honest I will say that I am sometimes a very slow learner, especially when it comes to social stuff. I think what I’ve kind of recently figured out is that a lot of the time, when we feel slighted, a lot of times it isn’t personal. It’s just the result of someone being selfish, or clueless, or callous, and that it’s usually not about us at all. My wife used to tell me she found my frankness “refreshing”. I think it’s been a long time since I heard that from her. The novelty of finding someone courageous enough to speak their mind, honestly and without restraint, wore off as the repercussions of such an approach made themselves more apparent. It’s really unfortunate that my delegation as a pariah has rubbed off on her, too. The costs of marriage, I suppose. I ran off someone very dear to me in the last few years because I had a big problem with a lifestyle choice they made (no, they didn’t come out of the closet; they decided they were in love with someone I have zero respect for). I made myself somewhat of a pariah in my social scene by taking offense at some actions, which, while probably not directly aimed at me, were nonetheless offensive, not in the prude sense of the word, but more in the taking a general offense to. Those people are welcome to do anything they want of course, it’s (still?) a free country, and it’s probably a bigger testament to my insecurity than anything else that there was offense taken at all. So, the result of all this is that I’ve managed to alienate a huge swath of folks in my social scene, and destroyed a really good friendship. I’m not quite so sure that the cost of all that has been worth it, to be “honest”. At the time, I thought I was staying true to myself, and not being a doormat, but like many other things in my life, I swung too far in the opposite direction and played myself for the fool. I don’t know really how to rectify these things, but it seems that pointing that high-powered microscope at my own behavior is probably a good place to start. It’s really depressing that I’ve managed to lose so much, and drive away so many friends, as a result of my own stubborn obtuseness. I wish there was a way to reverse course, to go back and keep my mouth shut but the damage has been done and I’ll just have to man up and live with it. Like Jeru said, “You’re only a player cause you played yourself”. Updated 10/8/07 12:22:30 to remove whining... Read More »

So, the month of July, 2007 was a very interesting one for me. Did you know that posting snarky, vaguely indirect criticisms of generalized problems with today’s electronic music on a mailing list can lead to an unhinged nutjob threatening you and your family? Did you know that making snarky, indirect comments on mailing lists and your blog about how local techno promoters show a lack of diversity in their musical offerings can get you branded as a pariah, a “hater” and worse? Did you know that some local electronic music promoters consider snarky mailing list posts to be more threatening and distasteful than someone making threats of violence against someone and their family? It’s true! A good friend (?) of mine almost had me convinced that I was the problem, and I spent a fair amount of time beating myself up over it. Fortunately, I came to my senses about all this nonsense and have started to develop some fairly lucid thoughts about the whole sordid affair, which I plan on detailing on this blog soon. One thing’s for sure, there’s a whole lot more to life than worrying about your position in the local, temporary pecking order of big fish in little ponds. (If you’re reading this, and thinking that it’s a lot of shop-talk and inside baseball stuff, you’re right.)... Read More »

Had a funny experience today. I got a call from a woman, Christy Harris, whom I once shared VJ duties with at a Communikey show. Well, she was VJing and I made visuals for the Freq Modif set. I’ve also borrowed a screen from her before. At any rate, she called up to ask if I had a video mixer and/or projector she could borrow for tonight. Unfortunately, my video mixer bit the dust a few months ago when it suddenly decided to stop working. I explained that my video mixer was on the blitz and that I no longer had a projector. She was also kind enough to ask if was doing video anywhere tonight. Of course, since it’s 10:00pm MST and I’m writing a blog entry, the answer was no, I’m not doing video anywhere tonight. It was an interesting question that really brought 2006 into, if you’ll pardon the pun, “focus” for me. I put a not-insignificant amount of energy in 2005 trying to develop and build my skills as a visual artist. In addition to assembling the requisite hardware, I also began collecting clips like mad, spent money on VJ software and went out of my way to ask people to keep me in mind if they ever needed someone to do visuals. In January, I saw the guys from Mother Earth Sound System at the last techno party I would attend in Boulder, and they mentioned that they would like for me to do visuals at the Full Moons the upcoming summer. It was the last time I talked to any of them. They never bothered to follow-up with an email or phone call. Not only did they not call or email, nobody, except for my good friend Erik, asked me to play or spin anywhere in all of 2006. I think this is the first year that something like that happened. It’s worth mentioning that when I did spin at Erik’s party, I DJed a set of ambient black metal, but that’s a different story. I’m not really sure what happened, but it seemed like 2006 was the year I gave up on the scene, or it gave up on me, or maybe it was a mutual parting of the ways. Nobody seemed to really care if I was involved in their parties or not, nobody really thought I had anything to offer them. I did stop going to Boulder functions. In fact, I can name on one hand the number of times I went out for music this year: The fore-mentioned CommuniKey party in January. Fanny, Xanopticon, Abelcain and Duran Duran Duran (along with CDatakill) in May. Unearthly Trance in September. Celtic Frost in November. Doormouse & CDatakill in December. I guess if you’re not going out, people don’t really remember you. 2005 would have likely been a bust too, but in 2005 I did several shows with N., and that got me out in the community. Unfortunately, I’m not friends with N. anymore, much less doing shows with him. The fact is, seeing him with J. makes me sick. Seeing him alone and knowing he’s with J. makes me sick. I have never, in my entire life, been more disappointed and disgusted with a close friend as I was with N. The way he screwed over his long-time partner was just indefensible. The fact that he did it for J., one of Boulder’s most pretentious, selfish and more reprehensible wanna-be aging hipster flake-a-zoids, is the proverbial icing on the cake. Essentially, after I found out about their affair, I was very direct to him in emails until he finally told me he was writing me off completely, and never wanted to speak to me again. I’m OK with that. I spoke what I perceived to be truth to a boy who didn’t want to hear or think about the ugly, hurtful side of his actions, and he decided that rather than engage in dialogue, he’d rather just withdraw from our friendship. We did run across one another in McGuckin’s last summer, and he said something like “Hey. What’s Up.” I just rolled my eyes to the ceiling and kept walking. I wanted to scream at him that he was a fucking scumbag, but I had other things on my mind. He knows how I feel anyway. I suppose it’s sad that the possibility of seeing an ex-best-friend out would deter me from going out, but in many ways, my relationship with N. was one of my few anchors in the scene. When I did shows with him, or went out, or talked about/played/made music with him, I felt connected. I felt like, here’s my good friend, and he totally understands what I see in music. I didn’t just lose a friend, I lost one of my main allies in the so-called scene. Boulder’s scene is about as whack as it gets anyway. The powers-that-be are bringing out the same ole played-out bullshit minimal techno and IDMish techno that went in and out of vogue in 2003. Maybe if they were asking me to do visuals or spin or be involved, I’d be more generous in my assessment, but as is, I just see people with lots of attitude about something that’s the only thing they have going in their lives. I guess if my life was that monochromatic, I’d be protective of it too. I’m grateful that my life is not monochromatic. I have an amazing family, and a new son, and wonderful companion animals, and one of the best jobs in the world. For me, electronic music isn’t just a scene, it’s a literal living. I make my living, enough to afford a nice house and nice things and take care of my family, in the electronic music industry. Not too many people involved in parties or producing or DJing can say that. That being said, having gone an entire year and only being asked once to participate in something, well, I guess it hurts and makes me a little sad. I love this music and I love(d) this scene. It might surprise some people to know that I still DJ. Lately I’ve been spinning every day. It might surprise some people to know that I still collect music like a madman, and still work on producing my own music. What’s really ironic is that I feel like I’m at the top of my game, yet I might as well as not exist as far as the Colorado “rave scene” is concerned. I know that part of it is that the scene itself is dwindling, but I imagine that the number of DJs, producers and VJs is not. I also know that most of my involvement with the so-called scene was me getting out there and doing stuff myself — producing my own shows, or with like-minded folks. Honestly though, it mostly feels like nobody really gives two shits. Nobody thinks of enough of what I do as a producer, DJ or VJ to bother asking me to play at their parties (with above-noted exception). That, in isolation, makes me fairly sad. However, not living in a vacuum, I cannot allow myself to be too out of sorts over it. After all, I have a sweet life, even if I’m not being asked to help out or play at parties anymore. I do hope that this situation changes in 2007. Oh, and I have a million other things to write about, but this has been on my mind for a while. Hopefully I’ll get around to posting more about the other stuff later on. I know this post sucks, but I felt compelled to write one more thing before the end of the year. Colorado electronic music scene — thanks for nothing in 2006. Happy New Year!... Read More »

…about his father, and you can read it here.... Read More »

The posts that appear in my LiveJournal entries are actually generated from a LiveJournal posting plugin on my Movable Type blog, http://mememiner.com. I originally set this up cause I figured I'd get more comments on LiveJournal than out on my lonesome, and for whatever reason, this hasn't been the case. In fact, I got more comments when it wasn't on LiveJournal than when it was. Add to the fact that I'm unable to restrict posting, except to exclusively LiveJournal users, and the fact that I'll never be able to get the mememiner LJ name as it's already been set up as a feed of mememiner.com (yeah, it makes no sense to me either), and that I doubt the plugin will work with MT 3, which I've been wanting to upgrade to, and I come to the conclusion that it really doesn't make much sense for me to continue posting journal entries here. I don't post often enough to my blog to generate any kind of comments anyway, I guess it's kind of a moot point. At any rate, this will be my last post to LiveJournal, unless somebody can give me a really good reason as to why I should stick around. Also, "so I can continue reading it here" isn't a good enough excuse. If you're really interested (which I, in fact, know you are NOT), you can go to my main site and read my stupid, poorly-thought-out, inane ramblings there instead. Thanks for the memories!... Read More »

interesting flash music thing... Read More »

Yesterday the world lost a veritable colossus of literature, and today a veritable flea, James Lileks, has this to say: It was all bile and spittle at the end, and it was hard to read the work without smelling the dank sweat of someone consumed by confusion, anger, sudden drunken certainties and the horrible fear that when he sat down to write, he could only muster a pale parody of someone else’s satirical version of his infamous middle period. Presumably Lileks was reading different ESPN Page 2 columns than I, and many of my friends were, because right after 9/11, Thompson really seemed to have a solid grasp on what was happening, much more than anyone else. It seemed to me that the dark day that changed everything (mostly to the favor of the right-wing in this country) had sharpened Thompson’s focus to a razor-edge sharpness, and he was writing like he hadn’t in years. I’m guessing Thompson’s decidedly non-insane viewpoints on the meta-meaning of 9/11 is what caused Lileks to slander this great man today. If there’s one thing Lileks can’t stand, it’s someone straying from the party line on 9/11. It’s really too bad that the world did not wake up to the news that James Lileks had put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger yesterday. Of course, outside of the bile and spittle that froths from the mouths of the right-wing blogs, who would know or care? James Lileks, you are a classless piece of shit who cannot even honor the dead for a single day. I’d say you should be ashamed of yourself, but only honorable men can feel shame. You are not a man. You are a pale parody of someone else’s satirical version of a man, even in your best moments. You should be sterilized so that your seed can no longer poison this world of ours.... Read More »

Top 10 Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time My favorite is the bald guy in #5, although the evil dude with his fly down is pretty hilarious, too.... Read More »

I’ve added a new, permanent feature to this blog. It’s the rollcall of names of people I think ought to have a cap popped in their ass. I’m christening it with the 3 conservative commentators I hate most: Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly. If you agree with me, great! If not, I could care less. I’m not trying to be politically correct. I’m simply making a list of people the world would be better off without, in my flawed and vindictive opinion. I will be adding more names as time goes by. UPDATE (01/09/05): I took this down tonight. The wife felt it was rather mean-spirited. I guess that was the whole point in the first place, but no sense painting a target on my back, either.... Read More »

Come on, you know you have been waiting for this moment: I updated my OPML file. Check the main page if you’re hurting for RSS feeds. It’s on the right.... Read More »

As a former resident of red-state Missouri, I’d say this sums up my feelings pretty accurately.... Read More »

From the New York Times: As Repression Lifts, More Iranians Change Their Sex Fascinating article about the status of transgendered people in Iran. Although homosexuality is still strictly forbidden, sex-change operations are actually subsidized in some cases by the state, and clerics give their blessings. Say what you will about fundamentalist Iran (and there are many, many negatives), their enlightened approach to this issue is probably the first time I’ve noticed something anti-medieval as a notable characteristic of modern fundamentalist Islamic theology. It is a striking how a religious movement with a reputation for rigidity and anti-modernity can adapt itself to a new and challenging realization about the human condition. It gives me hope about the theological future of Islam, a future that I, until now, had considered very bleak indeed.... Read More »

Finally got around to updating MT to 2.661. No more comment spamming!... Read More »

I've got a new goal -- try and post something to this blog at least once per day for the next 6 months, nonwithstanding days that I don't have access to the net. Let's recap the weekend: Nate and Lena helped me throw a suprise birthday party for Missy on Friday that was a COMPLETE suprise. Of course, I had to make several wrong turns on the way, as when we were about 5 minutes away from Nate and Lena's house, I figured out that the car in front of us had 4 of the friends we had invited to be part of the suprise inside it. This definitely was pissing off Missy, but all that melted away when she walked into the kitchen, and 18 or so of our friends yelled "SUPRISE!" to a very unexpecting Melissa. Lena made an excellent cake, much good food was eaten and I helped myself to several Negro Modelos and Bohemias (I had had exactly three beers in the previous two weeks). It was a fine party, we all went out to the Dark Horse afterwards where I spun Missy an old-skool jungle set, and I bought myself a ticket out of the birthday doghouse I had been living in the last few years. Saturday found me signing a 6-month contract extension with c74 (hurray! they like me, they REALLY like me!), and then getting the gear together for a set at Happy Times ranch, which really was a classic party. Ovni, and Nate and Dave threw down on the jamz. I spun a decent Basic Channel, etc. set which seemed to go over well. Again, excellent party that achieved classic status instantly. Sunday was spent sleeping and trying to do a little bit of work. I spent a suprisingly small amount of time obsessing over political news. I also found out my father will be getting disability, finally. He's been unable to work for the last few years because of a nervous system disorder that manifests itself as a severe palsy (he can barely hold a glass of water, much less a hammer). He's been really scraping by and I'm very happy and relieved that this has happened.... Read More »

This morning I was listening to an NPR story about Gene Robinson being confirmed as the New Hampshire Bishop of the Episcopalian Church. During his confirmation rite, they asked if anyone had any reservations. Four people out of 3000 stepped forward to speak for about 10 minutes. The first man apparently started his tirade with a graphic description of gay sex. This is really their beef (no pun intended) isn't it? It's not the fact that same-sex couples are capable of feeling just as much love for one another as heterosexual couples. It's not the fact that, biologically, same-sex couples can't reproduce (a big concern for any organized religion it seems). It's not the fact that gay folks might hold hands in public. It's the fact that, whenever somebody says "homosexual", these prudes immediately think of men fucking. If they tell you it's because of the bible's so-called prohibitions against homosexuality, they're lying. Plain and simple. It's the thought of men having sex with other men that gets their goat. While googling the subject of homosexuality and the bible, I ran across an interesting statement: Persons committing homosexual acts are to be executed. This is the unambiguous command of scripture. Whatever the rationale for their formulation, however, the texts leave no room for maneuvering. Persons committing homosexual acts are to be executed. This is the unambiguous command of scripture. The meaning is clear: anyone who wishes to base his or her beliefs on the witness of the Old Testament must be completely consistent and demand the death penalty for everyone who performs homosexual acts. (That may seem extreme, but there are actually some "Christians" urging this very thing today.) It is unlikely that any American court will ever again condemn a homosexual to death, even though Scripture clearly commands it. Yet despite this rather explicit call to arms to execute homosexuals, you see so-called Christians "tolerating" homosexuals by trying to "cure" them (remember that "recovering gay fellow" who got caught cruising the gay bars after supposedly reforming and "being healed"?). Say what you will about the morality of homosexuality, using the bible to justify one's homophobia is selective reading, plain and simple. I guess I identify more with this assertion: Liberal Christian theologians tend to interpret the Bible as having been written by authors who were intent on promoting their own religious and spiritual beliefs. The writers lived in a pre-scientific age, which treated slavery, genocide, mass murder, and the oppression of women as acceptable. In other words, the prohibition against homosexuality is as antiquated as the moral justifications for slavery. They are products of a by-gone era. To the prudes of the world I say: evolve or die.... Read More »

there's been a shift recently in my reality. the recent departure of the side job has left me with a whole lot more perceived time, not to mention actual time, and i haven't really felt like i had so much of the elusive stuff on my hands in, literally, years. coming home at night i don't feel pressure to get something done for them, and not having that pressure feels like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. i shouldn't be suprised that the indulgence i've allowed myself was to start reading for pleasure again. when i was a kid, living on the farm in central Missouri and trying to avoid my chores and the mundane existence of living on a few hundred acres in the middle of nowhere with nothing to escape to, i'd take solace in reading. lots and lots of reading -- mostly science fiction and fantasy, but really, anything was game, well except for the lame-o christian fiction my parents kept throwing my way. the bug has bitten me again. being that i can never seem to rip myself away from the television whenever the godfather part one or two is on, while waiting to get my tires installed at the northglenn mall in littleton, co, i wandered in the local b.dalton (hard to believe those places still exist anymore) and picked up a paperback copy of the novel by mario puzo. as far as storytelling goes, it's a bit ham-handed but it scratches this particular kind of itch i have which loves lots of characters and detail, and being a fan of the movies, reading the book definitely helped to sort out some of the things that are glossed over. we get to know more of johnny fontaine's character, which i enjoyed. we also get to read more about sonny's manhood, which has to be some of the silliest sex writing i've encountered. i won't bore you with the details. if you are a fan of the first two movies then you'd definitely like the book. so after finishing the godfather, i dived right into the phil dick's "confessions of a crap artist", which is a strange tale of mental illness in late-50s marin county. while it has the trademark character development (i.e. flawed figures plagued by self-doubt) it doesn't really contain much in the way of science fiction. strangely enough, i wasn't disappointed by this and found that i couldn't put the book down. my next chore is to restart pattern recognition by william gibson, which i started and got about 150 pages into, but then put down to deal with some silly work thing. the only reason i feel like that's got to be next is because i know i'll be diving into neil stephenson's "quicksilver" next, and at 1000 pages, i'm sure it'll be a big commitment.... Read More »

1993 -- Last time I got my hair cut 1996 -- I quit combing my hair 2003 -- I finally cut off my dreads The dreads, thursday morning The first cut Pile O' dreadlocks First time with short hair in 10 years... Read More »